Whether you know me in real life or in Second Life, it doesn”t really matter much now. Both lives are kinda merged as of now. I came to the realization that the me in Second Life was the me that was hidden away all my life. Scared to come out, scared of what might happen if anyone knew it. But as of July 2007, my life is changing and I am realizing it has to be done. Second Life was a way for me to be myself since I couldn”t in real life, and it made me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy for the fact I could be me, but sad due to the fact that i knew in real life it wasn”t possible.
In July, I came out to my parents and my closest friends. Since that day, I have felt so much better about myself and am now able to take my life in the right direction. My parents and friends were very accepting and have been there through my ups and downs. My goals are set and my mind is made up, my future will be what i want to make of it. I want to live the rest of my life happy as myself and not what I had been forced to live as. While some may not understand, may get upset with me, or just plain hate me. It doesn”t matter what they think or say, this is my life and I won”t be changing my mind or my heart for anyone else but me. I spent my life trying to live up to what everyone wanted/expected of me and it”s not what I was.
Ok, no more of that, look forward to a lot more posts here as this will be the only blog I post to anymore. This is my future life, my future self. accept it or not, this is me.
I came out to my mother on July 6 2007 after 3 days of driving myself insane, going back and forth into her room just trying to build up the courage to tell her. Once I finally got it out and we talked, I felt like the weight of all the years of pain and suffering finally being lifted off of me. It was one of the best nights of my life to be understood and accepted for who I am/what I am. The times I was scared in my life, the times I was hiding it all.. To only know sooner that it would have been accepted so well, I would have said it sooner. My dad seems to accept it and says he does so that helps a lot too. Like I mentioned before, my step-brother and his partner is really accepting and is really helping me out a lot (thanks guys). The rest of my family doesn’t know yet, unless they read this blog often.. Which I doubt most of them do.
The past few weeks have been pretty good, except for the few sleepless nights of me going over everything 200 times. Mom says I seem much happier and more “alive” now and she loves it, I don’t walk around in a “daze” as she put it. My friends in Second Life even say the same thing. It’s just a great feeling to no longer have to hide myself away anymore or to worry about “if they found out” because they know now. The surprising thing is that we are actually getting along a lot better now then we did before. Me and dad used to fight all the time over anything. We haven’t had a fight ever since that day. I guess that means either they feel sorry for me and are just trying to make me feel better or that I am actually able to be more open and be myself for a change.
I have yet to find someone to actually diagnose me as having “Gender Identity Disorder” yet, but it will just be a matter of time. Although once you finally open up, it’s kinda hard to take your time 
You feel like you have to get started on making even more changes as soon as possible, but going slow can be a good thing to help make sure you are doing everything right. I still think my psychiatrist thinks I am confused or something… But like I said before, I really know for a fact now that I am not confused or wrong. The wrong thing is me ignoring whats in my heart and listening to what others try to say is best for me. I will not do that, I ignored my heart for years and I can no longer do that.
Why is it so hard to find someone who knows/understands transsexual issues? And why is it that this state (West Virginia) has no support groups? And also, why is it that there are no doctors/psychiatrists/etc in this state that know anything about transsexual issues? Is this state really that far behind?
Those are the questions I keep asking myself while I am searching for help in this area. For those that want to know, I live in Beckley West Virginia. It’s a small town in southern West Virginia that is not really known for anything. Our biggest tourist attraction right now is Tamarack. You have your usual stereotypical rednecks, your young street racer groups, your four-wheel drive/off-road enthusiasts, etc.
Yes, it does…
The doctors in this area are horrible, Ok not all but like 95% of them anyway. One, they never keep up-to-date on medical topics. Two, they don’t know or don’t care about some things that are wrong with their patients. Three, if you have a condition or something that doesn’t fit their beliefs, they treat you like crap. They leave you to fend for yourself or to go out-of-state to find someone. Why is it that doctors take an oath to treat patients but then turn around and refuse patients? isn’t there a law about that? The main reason I am writing this is because I have spent the last 2 months searching for a doctor/therapist/etc that would at least know a little bit about transsexual issues. But there are none in this area. I have contacted as many as I could find in the phone book and none of them have any REAL experience with transsexual issues.
My regular psychiatrist got kinda hostile with me about it and could only discuss my sexual-orientation instead of discussing the main topic. He didn’t even have the right description of transsexual in his head. He was way off the mark in so many ways. He pretty much said that he wouldn’t do anything until I got out there and explored my sexuality (sexual-orientation as he put it) more. Umm excuse me, being transsexual has nothing to do with my sexual-orientation. Up till this point, he had been great. But it seemed to me that he didn’t understand the topic much at all. I mean, here he is supposed to know what transsexual means and the first thing that pops up in his mind is my sexual-orientation?
Ok, let me give you a little bit of how I am. First, sex has always been the last thing on my mind. Always has been and always will be, most likely I have spent all my life trying to make everyone else happy, better, whatever. I was always focused on that and learning more. Learning as much as I can about everything. Keeping my mind occupied so I wouldn’t keep thinking about what was going on in my own head. Yes, I am bisexual.. I am attracted to both sexes.. But just because I am bisexual doesn’t mean I am not transsexual. And my psychiatrist told me point-blank, you can’t be both… Then tell a lot of transsexuals out there that they are wrong. The same sexual-orientations that are present in everyone are the same in transsexuals. And then him ending with pretty much “get out there and have a sex fest” just didn’t set right with me.
I know most people will say I need counseling. Well guess what, I see a counselor and he is about as clueless as the doctor is. He offers no advice, offers no help, offers nothing. Just sits there and listens to me. If I don’t say much of anything (used to test him and see if he will ask any questions) he just kinda sits there. And before you tell me I should go to another, they are all like this in this area. In the last 10 years, I have been to 6 different places for counseling and all have been the same. And don’t even say “give it time” either, I have been going to him for over a year now.
I think I am just getting tired of how low the quality of health care in the southern part of the state where I live. If you need something major done, they send you to Morgantown or Charleston. Beckley is like the worst place to live in terms of doctors and jobs, even the surrounding area is horrible. Lack of jobs, lack of adequate medical care, it all just makes for a really horrible place. If I had the money and the means to move out of this area, I would in a heartbeat. Right now its impossible as I have no income and no job.
I know this was 99% ranting but I swear this gets annoying. Searching, hoping, praying that you find something and end up never finding anything.
I gaze into the mirror hoping to see myself. Yet all I see is a person that I don’t know. Someone that is sad, depressed, lonely and about to the end. The end of one life, a sad life, a life of lies, a life of living up to what others want. Giving up the hope and dreams of the person waiting to be freed. For if this life was to end, it wouldn’t be the death of one, but the death of two. A life that has been kept hidden from sight for a lifetime. A lifetime of pain, sorrow, regret, of being scared to death. Scared for anyone to find out the truth. The truth that has haunted me from the first day of my life. For all my life, I have known what was really going on with me and who I really was. But I tried my best to be what everyone wanted me to be and what everyone expected of me. All while slowly killing myself inside. Crying myself to sleep every night, hurting myself to forget about the pain inside. Wishing to just die and end the pain…
Many attempts and many failures, I am to weak to even end the pain. I am always weak, never able to stand up for myself or to be myself. I look toward the future and wonder if it is even possible for me to be happy. Can I really be happy? Will one day things just happen to make it become a reality? I have no clues, no answers, just more questions. I have people telling me it just takes time and that they care and know it will all work out soon. But in my mind and heart, it feels like it will never happen. It’s like a dream that will never come true. I’m scared of it happening but I am also scared that it will never happen. How is that possible? You dream of things to come, wishing with all your heart, yet are scared of it coming true.
You try your best to “fit in” and be what everyone wants, ignoring yourself, yet they still are not happy. If you try to be yourself, they still aren’t happy. What is a person to do? I tried to think maybe it was time for me to quit worrying about others and start worrying about myself, yet no matter how hard I try I fail. I fail when it comes to caring about myself because for so many years, I never cared what happen to me. But now, things have changed a lot. I want to change, I want to be me. I NEED to be me or else I can’t go on.
For so many years I always kept telling myself that I had to be the person you see so that no one would have a problem with me. Yet for so many years, I have always been the outcast of the family. Adopted when I was young by my grandparents, disliked by my step-brother and despised by my step-sister. Others in the family just “put up with me” to get along a little. Yet I could always tell the true feelings by the way they acted and talked about me. Some of this has changed now, my step-brother seems to understand and accept me more now, which I really want to thank him from the bottom of my heart. Wolf is another person I want to thank from the bottom of my heart for always being there when I need someone to talk to. If it wasn’t for them, my half-brother Steven and all my friends in Second Life, I would most likely be either dead or locked up in a mental institution somewhere.
I am now about to embark on the journey to be myself and while this will most likely embarrass some in the family or upset others, I can no longer allow myself to spiral further into this black hole of my existence. I must be myself for the first time in my life, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise as my mind is set. Cause the choices left, are either to do this or end my life. I think if you really cared you would know that this is the right choice.