Today has been one of those days that I just feel like I am just being stupid for thinking I can do this. I mean, I know in my heart it’’s right but I just can”t seem to get anywhere at all. I take one step forward and feel like I am three steps back. Should I give up and continue on the path of self destruction that I have been on all my life or hang in there and try to make things work? I wish I knew what to do. While I have people around me that support me, I can”t find any professionals that are willing to help me any. The ones I thought would help me, ended up just acting like they didn”t know anything or just saying/acting it because they don”t believe me. From what I have posted before, do you think I am just making this all up or does it seem like I am being honest? Either way, I am feeling really drained emotionally and physically here lately. I just plain don”t know what to do.

Whether you know me in real life or in Second Life, it doesn”t really matter much now. Both lives are kinda merged as of now. I came to the realization that the me in Second Life was the me that was hidden away all my life. Scared to come out, scared of what might happen if anyone knew it. But as of July 2007, my life is changing and I am realizing it has to be done. Second Life was a way for me to be myself since I couldn”t in real life, and it made me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy for the fact I could be me, but sad due to the fact that i knew in real life it wasn”t possible.

In July, I came out to my parents and my closest friends. Since that day, I have felt so much better about myself and am now able to take my life in the right direction. My parents and friends were very accepting and have been there through my ups and downs. My goals are set and my mind is made up, my future will be what i want to make of it. I want to live the rest of my life happy as myself and not what I had been forced to live as. While some may not understand, may get upset with me, or just plain hate me. It doesn”t matter what they think or say, this is my life and I won”t be changing my mind or my heart for anyone else but me. I spent my life trying to live up to what everyone wanted/expected of me and it’’s not what I was.

Ok, no more of that, look forward to a lot more posts here as this will be the only blog I post to anymore. This is my future life, my future self. accept it or not, this is me.

I came out to my mother on July 6 2007 after 3 days of driving myself insane, going back and forth into her room just trying to build up the courage to tell her. Once I finally got it out and we talked, I felt like the weight of all the years of pain and suffering finally being lifted off of me. It was one of the best nights of my life to be understood and accepted for who I am/what I am. The times I was scared in my life, the times I was hiding it all.. To only know sooner that it would have been accepted so well, I would have said it sooner. My dad seems to accept it and says he does so that helps a lot too. Like I mentioned before, my step-brother and his partner is really accepting and is really helping me out a lot (thanks guys). The rest of my family doesn’t know yet, unless they read this blog often.. Which I doubt most of them do.

The past few weeks have been pretty good, except for the few sleepless nights of me going over everything 200 times. Mom says I seem much happier and more “alive” now and she loves it, I don’t walk around in a “daze” as she put it. My friends in Second Life even say the same thing. It’s just a great feeling to no longer have to hide myself away anymore or to worry about “if they found out” because they know now. The surprising thing is that we are actually getting along a lot better now then we did before. Me and dad used to fight all the time over anything. We haven’t had a fight ever since that day. I guess that means either they feel sorry for me and are just trying to make me feel better or that I am actually able to be more open and be myself for a change.

I have yet to find someone to actually diagnose me as having “Gender Identity Disorder” yet, but it will just be a matter of time. Although once you finally open up, it’s kinda hard to take your time You feel like you have to get started on making even more changes as soon as possible, but going slow can be a good thing to help make sure you are doing everything right. I still think my psychiatrist thinks I am confused or something… But like I said before, I really know for a fact now that I am not confused or wrong. The wrong thing is me ignoring whats in my heart and listening to what others try to say is best for me. I will not do that, I ignored my heart for years and I can no longer do that.

Why is it so hard to find someone that knows/understands transgender issues? And why is it that this state (West Virginia) has no support groups? And also, why is it that there are no doctors/psychiatrists/etc in this state that know anything about transgender issues? Is this state really that far behind?

Those are the questions I keep asking myself while I am searching for help in this area. For those that want to know, I live in Beckley West Virginia. It’’s a small town in southern West Virginia that is not really known for anything. Our biggest tourist attraction right now is Tamarack. You have your usual stereotypical rednecks, your young street racer groups, your four-wheel drive/off-road enthusiasts, etc.