So I went to the electrologist yesterday for my consultation appointment and I am still not sure if I will be able to do it. I really need to find a job soon so I can pay for all this, cause it”s going to be really expensive. $45 an hour, 2 hours a week for at least 2 years.. EEP!! But, it is worth it to me. The nice thing is, she has had a few other transsexual clients 
She even told me that she would ask a couple of them about doctors/psychologists in this area that might be able to help me out.. YAY!! We spent a good 30 minutes just sitting there talking about everything and she was just so cool about everything. So as I wait for the answer of whether or not dad will pay for this until I find a job, I am just trying my best to move forward with what I can.
Short post this time, I really don’t want to rant or vent for a while. I am in to good of a mood to be doing that 
Since no one really reads this blog, I feel like venting a bit so I don”t really need to say anything.
I was adopted by my grandparents when I was really young, and raised by them all my life. In my 29 years that I have lived so far, I have only been away from them a combined total of 6 months. 6 Months out of 29 years I have been away from them, not counting school. Didn”t have friends because they would find something wrong with every single friend I would try to have and they would forbid them from coming over ever again. I couldn”t go to their house cause my parents didn”t like them. This happened till I was about 18, when I started doing my own thing (trying to anyway) and trying to have friends. That was until my parents started doing the same thing shortly after, and then my mom got sick with cancer.
Now, even at 29, things are still the same way. I gave up my life to help take care of them. Yet, everyday I am reminded that I am an asshole, useless, and lots more. Dad comes right out and says it, daily. I am here day after day, never going anywhere or doing anything cause they might need me. I take the wild chance to go somewhere and then I am called on the phone the whole time I am gone. Telling me they need me or they want something or I need to get back quick.
So I give up everything in my life to try and make them happy, to be the best I can for them. Yet I never hear praise, only that I am an asshole. Useless, good for nothing asshole. I have never really made my own decisions in my life, they always have. I gave up that control from the last three times I tried to change my life and it blew up in my face.
I suck at life, I suck at being a person. I guess I am useless and good for nothing. But they made me that way, they forced me to be that way. I have no where to go and no one to turn to. I have no job because of the years of them brainwashing me into thinking I am so bad off that I can”t work. That I am useless. So what am I supposed to do? I don”t know what to do, I had only thought of suicide about 30 times. Thoughts of suicide because of them and the way I am am, what a wonderful life.
They wonder why their kids never come see them, why most of them have moved as far away as possible from them. Wonder why? Makes sense to me, yet I am to stupid to do anything about it. To weak and useless to change anything. To weak to end it all.
Yes, this was a rant and a little history of me. I know it might sound stupid but since hardly anyone reads this, what does it matter.
Someone asked me why I chose the name Jennifer. The reason is simple, I loved that name and started using it back when I was 7. The time I really started using it often was when I started playing Ragnarok Online, and told everyone that was my name.
So now you know why
Today has been one of those days that I just feel like I am just being stupid for thinking I can do this. I mean, I know in my heart it”s right but I just can”t seem to get anywhere at all. I take one step forward and feel like I am three steps back. Should I give up and continue on the path of self destruction that I have been on all my life or hang in there and try to make things work? I wish I knew what to do. While I have people around me that support me, I can”t find any professionals that are willing to help me any. The ones I thought would help me, ended up just acting like they didn”t know anything or just saying/acting it because they don”t believe me. From what I have posted before, do you think I am just making this all up or does it seem like I am being honest? Either way, I am feeling really drained emotionally and physically here lately. I just plain don”t know what to do.
Whether you know me in real life or in Second Life, it doesn”t really matter much now. Both lives are kinda merged as of now. I came to the realization that the me in Second Life was the me that was hidden away all my life. Scared to come out, scared of what might happen if anyone knew it. But as of July 2007, my life is changing and I am realizing it has to be done. Second Life was a way for me to be myself since I couldn”t in real life, and it made me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy for the fact I could be me, but sad due to the fact that i knew in real life it wasn”t possible.
In July, I came out to my parents and my closest friends. Since that day, I have felt so much better about myself and am now able to take my life in the right direction. My parents and friends were very accepting and have been there through my ups and downs. My goals are set and my mind is made up, my future will be what i want to make of it. I want to live the rest of my life happy as myself and not what I had been forced to live as. While some may not understand, may get upset with me, or just plain hate me. It doesn”t matter what they think or say, this is my life and I won”t be changing my mind or my heart for anyone else but me. I spent my life trying to live up to what everyone wanted/expected of me and it”s not what I was.
Ok, no more of that, look forward to a lot more posts here as this will be the only blog I post to anymore. This is my future life, my future self. accept it or not, this is me.
