Well let’s see, where to start…
First is the fact that my Psychiatrist finally agrees with me that I am truly transsexual (took me writing a long note explaining in detail how I felt and everything). This is a nice step forward. Visited my regular Medical Doctor the other day and he want’s to help but has no clue what to do, so he thinks I should go to John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore MD. Those that know me know I can’t travel right now due to the situation with my parents. So that kinda has me down. I plan on searching a little bit harder for someone closer to here for me to see. Even if they happen to be in Virginia, which would be a little bit closer and easier for me to travel to.
On the non-professional front, I am still doing all the little things I can do until I can start HRT. My hair is coming along really well, still nowhere near where I want it. Voice training is slowly making progress, still way off but getting better everyday. Still no clue when I can start electrolysis yet, parents haven’t mentioned a word about it yet. I would love to get a job and pay for it myself, along with other things. But they still refuse to let me even go look for one till I hear back from my lawyer on my SSI claim.
I know I won’t get my SSI, so I don’t know why they won’t let me even go check about a job. Kinda upsets and depresses me too. 29 years old and they still make some of my decisions for me, how sad is that. I know I should start saying something and making ALL my own decisions, like the ones I have made so far that they have no say over no matter what. But, even if I say something about and then do it, somehow they still influence the choice. Oh well, one day I won’t be here for them to do that. If I could find a job and move out, *sigh* dreams.
Ok, so that is a small update for now. Off to bed with me and hope I can sleep better tonight.
Yep, that pretty much sums up how I feel right now and how I have felt for the past few days. Too much on my mind, trying to find more info in this area and failing. It all adds up quick, I swear.
I have been on a mission of sorts to find people in this area that know even the smallest bit in this area and it”s really sad how people don”t keep up with changes in the world. You would think doctors would be required to keep updated on medical advances or be required to prove they still know what they are doing. But to me, it seems that most doctors in this area learn what they know at school and once they are done, that”s it. They don”t learn anything new after that and they don”t really care to learn anything new. Then you wonder why malpractice insurance in WV is higher then any other state, that”s why. Doctors don”t want to learn anything new in their field here, just “go with what they know” and hope it all works out.
I, for one, think this is a really bad way to do it. I think they should be tested every so often to see if they still know what”s going on and to see if they know about any changes in their field. Then the medical community would be stronger and people would have a lot better medical care then they do now. Sure, maybe, up north in the state things are much better. But down here in the southern part of the state, it”s just plain horrible.
One day, I will be out of this state for good. I despise this state for various reasons, some of which I have mentioned before. It just plain sucks…
I know I kinda went off the subject I was aiming for in my last post. But as I was writing it all down, it just came to me so it had to be written. Second Life has been and always will be where I am me, no matter what. My true personality and self is my avatar. The me that I will become one of these days.
I am writing this post to clarify what I really meant in the last post and because I wanted to write something that was in my head. So here goes, totally unlike me btw 
Wake up feeling like I always do
Dreaming of the day I can be me
Looking into a mirror that lies
Waiting for my chance to be free
Longing for the life I dream of
Holding on to the pieces of now
Dreaming of being in your arms
The person that loves me
The me they see and love
No matter what may be in front of you
You love me no matter what
You put your arms around me
Holding me tight
Comforting me when I am down
Enjoying the happy times together
Knowing you are there
Knowing you care
Makes me want to keep living
No matter what
No longer feeling the need to end it all
Being together forever saves us all
Being happy together
It”s all we ever want
Someone to love
And someone to care
Not the best, but it just came to me.. I know it sucks really.. Yep, that it does..
*reaches to delete that*
Nah, I will let it stay, maybe someone will think it”s ok
*runs off to bed* Please let me actually sleep some….
In January, I will have been in Second Life for 2 years. I realize that my Second Life was really more of a way to express myself, the real me, then it was a game. I think that is true for a lot of us in Second Life. It gives us a way to be ourselves when we can’t in Real Life. But here is the question, what do you do when what you express in Second Life becomes reality in Real Life? When how you acted, behaved, your personality and everything about you in Second Life is now the way you are in Real Life. It’s easier for one thing, but there is still a little something there. Like something is still not right. I am still shy in Second Life just like I am in Real Life. That will most likely not change for a long time. I am still very much an introvert.
I have been thinking about how I used to be in Second Life and how I am now. I have noticed that I have changed a lot. The changes have been major in both Real Life and Second Life. I still find it hard to talk with people, even close friends at times. It’s like I have been locked up in a room all my life with no communication with anyone and now, all of a sudden, you are surrounded by people and they are talking to you. What do you do? I try to hold a conversation but it just seems to fall apart and end up in a “ah ok” or “cool” conversation. I hate when that happens too.
In Real Life, I have only spent 6 months out of 29 years away from my parents. I know, sucks to be me huh.. I have never really been an outgoing person, never made friends easily, and never really had a childhood. I have been right here taking care of them or doing what they ask of me all my life. If I went out to play when I was little, I had to stay within yelling distance of them so if they needed/wanted me, I could hear them. This went on till I was like 16, no joke. Around 18, I adventured into “forbidden territory” and started hanging around the “wrong group” of people. They were the typical druggists and trouble makers. They only used me for their own fun but I was away from my parents. That lasted a good 6 months until Dad caught me coming in for dinner and I smelled like pot. That was the end of that.
Today, I still stay here but now it’s because they are way worse health-wise then they was before. I want to be here for them and help them but it’s also slowly killing me to be stuck here. I mean, here I am changing my life in a drastic way and I can’t even explore it any. I don’t have a job or any income because they won’t let me get a job, cause it would take time away from being here when they need me. So I spend my time here in my room on the computer. I watch anime, research transsexual topics, play Second Life, Everquest 2 for another few weeks, listen to music and a few other small details That is my life, sounds fun huh?
How am I going to find someone for me if I am stuck in here everyday and only go out when I have to run errands for them. Sure I could just up and take off, but I would be called back home not long after because one of them needs something. It’s happened a few times, and will happen a lot more as time goes by. Ok, enough of this, I am off to bed in the hopes I have my favorite dream again….
It”s that time of the year again and of course I end up with a cold like usual. Around this time every year, I get one. But anyway, things are moving ahead slowly in my life and looking a little brighter. I still have my down days where I feel everything is moving way to slow, but I guess that is just something that will happen. You spend your life holding things back and then just open up completely and feel this rush to get things going. Taking your time can be a good thing though, gives you time to think everything through.
I have been spending a lot of time just thinking lately. I used to do that all the time before, but now it”s not of how to hide things but what to do next. Thinking of what next to allow of me to show and where to go from here. My dreams are really helping me a lot, by giving me a few signs of things I should really try to understand/explore. Then others are just the wonderful visions of the future. Like being with someone who understands me and loves me, we all dream of that right? But for me it”s different, because I have never really thought about love or anything like that most of my life. Yet here are these dreams of love, companionship, and things I had thought of a few times but never really “cared” about.
The one dream that keeps playing over in my head, and is my favorite is of the family at Christmas time. We are sitting there talking and opening gifts, listening to Christmas music, and glancing at the TV. Mom is sitting in her chair like usual, Dad is in his, Rob & Wolf are there helping hand out the gifts. And the best part Me and my loved one sitting there together, arms around me and holding me tight. It”s one of those few dreams I have that involve love. I have longed to be loved all my life but kept running away from it and never really trying at all. It never “just happened” either, so that depressed me too.
I feel like now that I am finally accepting myself for who I am, that I am finally able to see what I really want/need and how to go about getting it. While I haven”t even started on hormones yet, I can already feel myself becoming closer to the “real me” every day. It feels great really, and I never want to go back to the way I was. Does this show that what I am choosing is real? I hope so, cause it feels real and it feels right. The more I open up and be me, the better I feel. To me, that sounds like I am making the right choices and that it is right for me.
Some people in my life may think I am wrong or that I am just crazy, but I will say one thing. If it feels right and it makes a person happy, why judge them… The only thing people want in life is to be happy. Life is full of things to bring you down and to make you feel bad, so why not try whatever it takes to be happy in your life. If it means they choose something that doesn”t fit into your ideas or beliefs, why do you have to judge them? They aren”t bothering you, they just want to live happy. If they was in your face about it or doing something to make you not like them, I could understand. But when they try to be just “normal”, there shouldn”t be any problem with that. Besides, normal doesn”t exist, it”s made up. Who really knows what “normal” is? No one.