Path To Change

I just wanted to post a quick reason for my lack of posting so those few that read this will know what is going on.

First of all, I am no longer living in West Virginia. I now live in Seattle Washington with my biological father. I had spent about three months here with him before, back in 1997. It was a short lived stay as my parents (biological grandfather – adopted me when I was a baby) needed me back home to help take care of them. But this time is different. I plan on staying here for the rest of my life. I no longer want to be in that crappy state and in that situation again.

Second, due to the move my life has become a lot more umm active. I don’t spend as much time on the computer as I used to and my interests seem to have changed a bit. I know a lot has changed since I arrived here.

I will post a bit more later on but it is currently like 4am and I need sleep!

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My previous posts explains how I feel and what has been going on with me all my life. The constant struggle that was always going on inside. It was when I was sitting here with that knife in my hand and the note in the other, that I finally stopped to listen really hard to what was going on in inside. After being in the same place many times before but still fighting the feeling and emotions, I finally realized what it all meant. The things I had been hiding and fighting for years was finally being explained. The reason I was always depressed was finally uncovered. The reason I always kept to myself and preferred to be alone. I finally realized why I always felt out-of-place, an outcast, different from others around me. I had known it for years that I wasn’t like everyone else, no one had to tell me.

I had spent years looking for answers to my problems and finally found a few sites that hit almost every single nail on the head. I then realized I wasn’t alone, that there was others that had the same issues I had. And that there was a name for it and a method of “ fixing it ” . When I finally found the answers to all of my questions, I knew then that it was true. I knew with all my heart, that I was/am transsexual. It’s not an easy subject for some and it will be hard for some to understand. I didn’t choose to be this way, I have always just been this way. It’s been with me all my life, I was just to scared/afraid to admit/accept it. But like I said, I had reached a point where I could no longer keep denying it. I had found the answers and found the reason for my internal struggles that has haunted me all my life. So now that I have come right out and said the truth, what more can I say? Some will not understand and will think I am crazy or confused. First, I am not crazy. Second, I am not confused.

Spend your life denying how you feel, how you think, and then tell me what you would do. Tell me how you feel when you do that up till you reach my age of 29. How it feels to hate what you see in the mirror all your life and not know why. To be cast off to the side by people because they think you are weird. To not fit in with any groups. Disliked because you don’t share interests with others of your biological sex. Yet not accepted by the other because of your biological sex. When you finally get used to being by yourself and learning to keep everything to yourself until you almost explode. To spend your entire life just struggling to “fit in” and be accepted, even by just one person. Your heart turning cold to the emotions that flow inside just to keep from letting them out and letting someone know. To be consumed by anger and hatred for having to always keep yourself “locked down” inside. The times I have been so angry with myself that it ate away at me. Unleashing that anger on my family or myself while trying my best to control it. Suicide attempts, the times I have hurt myself, all just to try and make the pain inside go away.

Pain that was always there and always hurting. Pain that at times, I couldn’t even explain. Yet I tried my best to be the best I could for everyone around me. Caring more about what others thought about me while ignoring myself. Trying to make everyone else happy my entire life, while slowly making myself even more unhappy. The past is behind me now, and all I can see and think of is the future. I look forward to being able to change atleast some parts of my life to make it somewhat easier on me. If only to ease the pain inside, to end the struggle. The days of worrying more about others and ignoring myself is over. All I have on my mind now is me, and my future. I am going to use every bit of that built up anger, pain and sorrow to help drive me in the direction I am finally going in.

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We all dream of our own paradise
Yet we can never achieve it
We long to find a place we belong
Somewhere to call home
A place to be free
But we really don”t know what freedom is
We fight many battles
We cause so much pain
All in the struggle of life
Paradise is a dream
A dream we will never see
A place that doesn”t exist
We are jealous of others
For many reasons
But the main reason is
We are not happy with ourselves
No one in this world is truly happy with themselves
No matter how much they think they are
Cause it”s not possible
That is how it is
We live our lives dreaming of a perfect world
But it only exists within
If it only exists within
Then I wish to dream forever
To dream forever
And be happy forever
The ultimate dream
A sad end but a happy beginning
That is the cycle of life

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I figured it was time to update you all and let you know I start electrolysis Nov 15 2007 @ 10:30am (2 hours a day, one day a week, every week – that”s all she could manage for now). I have waited for this for a couple months now and it is finally starting. I have been been reading someone”s transition diary here lately and thinking about my goals. I have not even truly started transition yet, and I still have doubts and worries. These are good things to have as it makes you really think everything through and makes you take your time. It is also a time to set small goals and work to achieve them. My first goal was to get started with electrolysis and now that will be achieved soon. The next goal is to obtain a wardrobe again since I threw away everything I had before. I threw it all away about 9 months ago, in one of my depressed days.

Now I plan on getting some things and starting to put my life together again. That is my next goal before anything else. I told my regular MD (medical doctor) about my situation, as I mentioned in my previous post, and he decided to send me to WVU Hospital instead of all the way to John Hopkins. This will make it a lot easier for me as it”s not nearly as far. Plus it means my dad will be able to go with me since he can”t really handle long drives that well. My doctor is wanting me to have a complete checkup due to my other health problems, then they will also see if my health will be an issue for HRT later on. It”s good that he is thinking ahead enough to make sure my health will be fine, I really like my doctor.

Once I get back from WVU, it will be time to visit my psychiatrist again. He wants blood work done, I guess to see if I am taking my medication for the Bipolar. Which I am not taking, it makes me feel like a zombie and i hate that. If he gets mad at me for not taking it, so be it. I have told him many times how it made me feel and he didn”t seem to care or just kept telling me it would be alright after a couple weeks. I took them for 2 months, still the same way. Not to mention it makes me sleep all the time, which I can”t have as I am the only one that can drive and do the errands around here.

I will post updates when I get a chance so it may be a little while between posts.

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