I know I have been rather silent for a while and I apologize for that. Blame it on the combination of no depression medications for over a month and the fact that I just really haven’t felt like caring about anything lately. My weight and my mood has all taken a turn for the worst and doesn’t seem to be getting better anytime soon. In the past year and a half since I have lived here in Seattle, I have gained 62 pounds and it is climbing fast. The combination of hormones and the fact I quit smoking when I came here seems to be the most likely cause of the weight gain. Stress could also play a big part in it, but I can’t really say why and what.
One stressing fact is that my grandmother talks to me almost every day and she just has to make some rude comment about what I am doing. Like when I let it slip that I had pierced my nose, she said “Well now you really are a freak.” And just recently I was talking to her about my weight issue and the first thing she said was “Wow, if you was going to get that big you should have just stayed a guy.” She has said a lot more to me along the same lines but I just go on, ignoring the pain that others in my life love to cause. A time when I could really use them and they all turn their backs on me. Gotta love family…
I seriously need to get out and make friends so I can have people to hang out with and stop staying in this house 24/7 just like I did back in West Virginia. I feel like even though I am making progress, I am also back in the same rut I was in before. I stay inside with my dad and step-mom and never venture out unless it is to run errands. That was the exact same thing i did back in West Virginia with my grandparents. I would only go out if I had to and then I would just get the stuff done and get back home. I would love to change that but I can’t seem to do it.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, I feel like nothing matters anymore again and that I just don’t care anymore.
Last night started out just like it usually does, we go to pick up my step-mom from work at about 1:30am and we take our van down there to do it. We know the van isn’t going to keep running for much longer and we was praying it would make it to her work and back home again all safe and sound. But as our luck would have it, it died right in the middle of the road on 1st Ave S at around 2:15am. Dad thought that maybe we was just out of gas, as the gas gauge doesn’t work. So me and my step-mom walk about 8 blocks to get some gas and hope that is all it was.
My step-mom has a hard time walking so she stops off at her work to see if someone could give us a ride back to the van while I was walking on to the gas station. After getting the gas and getting a ride back to the van, dad fills the tank. Now it was about 3:00am and we cross our fingers and pray it starts so we can get home out of the cold. It starts but doesn’t run very well at all, then it dies again right at the ramp to the Viaduct on 1st Ave S. There is no hope, it is officially dead.
We sat there in the van trying to think of what we could do or who we could call. We called my dad’s “brother (long story)” to see if he could help us any, but he was really tied up at work. He manages to call back about 3:45am and tells us he is going to send a tow truck for us and that they should be there soon. Around 4:30am, the tow truck arrives and we are finally going to get out of the cold. (YAY) The van on the tow truck and me and my step-mom in the tow truck with the guy driving it and dad with his “brother” all nice and warm. The van is now going to be parked for good as it is not going to be fixed anytime soon.
So we are now back to riding the bus everywhere and might be selling the van for “best offer” to make a little extra money. But in it’s current state, I don’t think it would sell for much but one can hope.
What the hell is wrong with people. They laugh in your face and make fun of you the whole time they are wanting you to “help them” with graphics work. You do the work and then they keep asking for even more “free work” like you owe it to them. Then when they find out your are in a bad situation and may be having living arrangement issues, they start making even more fun of your issues and your health like it isn’t a reason enough. Like my health is just all made up and it’s not real and that I am letting my family down for not having a “real job.” You tell them literally 20 times (no joke) that you have searched and checked everything you can possibly check and then they still don’t think I have. Tells me that oh that’s not to expensive when it’s almost twice what we have to spend on rent anywhere. Like they are so much better people then us “low-life’s”.
I am so sick of people sometime.
It’s official, I received my new social security card on Monday. I took today and changed over my bank account and decided to get my reduced fare bus pass (Orca) so I could have a cheaper way of getting around. Also I wanted to get the bus pass so I can work on maybe going out on my own to a few local places. Hope for the best and hope I can do it. I am so happy to have everything coming together finally, no one has a clue how happy I am now. I know this is a short post but I am tired and it has been a busy day.
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I had an appointment yesterday with my Endocrinologist and he was so happy with my progress, as was I. So he decided that since I wasn’t having any major problems, he would increase my Estradiol up to its maximum dosage. And then he even said that instead of returning in three months, I could just come back in six months. Of course if I have any issues I could call and get in to see him sooner.
I am so happy that everything is progressing as well as it is. With all the things that are changing for the better, it just makes me feel I really should have said/done something sooner. But you can’t go back in time so I just keep looking toward the future.
Received my new ID card in the mail yesterday too, which was so nice. Hope my new Social Security card comes soon to so I can change my debit card information. It was so nice to hear them call my new name at my doctors yesterday instead of the old name.
OK, must get a quick nap and shower then off to my appointment with my counselor.
