My previous posts explains how I feel and what has been going on with me all my life. The constant struggle that was always going on inside. It was when I was sitting here with that knife in my hand and the note in the other, that I finally stopped to listen really hard to what was going on in inside. After being in the same place many times before but still fighting the feeling and emotions, I finally realized what it all meant. The things I had been hiding and fighting for years was finally being explained. The reason I was always depressed was finally uncovered. The reason I always kept to myself and preferred to be alone. I finally realized why I always felt out-of-place, an outcast, different from others around me. I had known it for years that I wasn’t like everyone else, no one had to tell me.
I had spent years looking for answers to my problems and finally found a few sites that hit almost every single nail on the head. I then realized I wasn’t alone, that there was others that had the same issues I had. And that there was a name for it and a method of “ fixing it ” . When I finally found the answers to all of my questions, I knew then that it was true. I knew with all my heart, that I was/am transsexual. It’s not an easy subject for some and it will be hard for some to understand. I didn’t choose to be this way, I have always just been this way. It’s been with me all my life, I was just to scared/afraid to admit/accept it. But like I said, I had reached a point where I could no longer keep denying it. I had found the answers and found the reason for my internal struggles that has haunted me all my life. So now that I have come right out and said the truth, what more can I say? Some will not understand and will think I am crazy or confused. First, I am not crazy. Second, I am not confused.
Spend your life denying how you feel, how you think, and then tell me what you would do. Tell me how you feel when you do that up till you reach my age of 29. How it feels to hate what you see in the mirror all your life and not know why. To be cast off to the side by people because they think you are weird. To not fit in with any groups. Disliked because you don’t share interests with others of your biological sex. Yet not accepted by the other because of your biological sex. When you finally get used to being by yourself and learning to keep everything to yourself until you almost explode. To spend your entire life just struggling to “fit in” and be accepted, even by just one person. Your heart turning cold to the emotions that flow inside just to keep from letting them out and letting someone know. To be consumed by anger and hatred for having to always keep yourself “locked down” inside. The times I have been so angry with myself that it ate away at me. Unleashing that anger on my family or myself while trying my best to control it. Suicide attempts, the times I have hurt myself, all just to try and make the pain inside go away.
Pain that was always there and always hurting. Pain that at times, I couldn’t even explain. Yet I tried my best to be the best I could for everyone around me. Caring more about what others thought about me while ignoring myself. Trying to make everyone else happy my entire life, while slowly making myself even more unhappy. The past is behind me now, and all I can see and think of is the future. I look forward to being able to change atleast some parts of my life to make it somewhat easier on me. If only to ease the pain inside, to end the struggle. The days of worrying more about others and ignoring myself is over. All I have on my mind now is me, and my future. I am going to use every bit of that built up anger, pain and sorrow to help drive me in the direction I am finally going in.