I gaze into the mirror hoping to see myself. Yet all I see is a person that I don’t know. Someone that is sad, depressed, lonely and about to the end. The end of one life, a sad life, a life of lies, a life of living up to what others want. Giving up the hope and dreams of the person waiting to be freed. For if this life was to end, it wouldn’t be the death of one, but the death of two. A life that has been kept hidden from sight for a lifetime. A lifetime of pain, sorrow, regret, of being scared to death. Scared for anyone to find out the truth. The truth that has haunted me from the first day of my life. For all my life, I have known what was really going on with me and who I really was. But I tried my best to be what everyone wanted me to be and what everyone expected of me. All while slowly killing myself inside. Crying myself to sleep every night, hurting myself to forget about the pain inside. Wishing to just die and end the pain…
Many attempts and many failures, I am to weak to even end the pain. I am always weak, never able to stand up for myself or to be myself. I look toward the future and wonder if it is even possible for me to be happy. Can I really be happy? Will one day things just happen to make it become a reality? I have no clues, no answers, just more questions. I have people telling me it just takes time and that they care and know it will all work out soon. But in my mind and heart, it feels like it will never happen. It’s like a dream that will never come true. I’m scared of it happening but I am also scared that it will never happen. How is that possible? You dream of things to come, wishing with all your heart, yet are scared of it coming true.
You try your best to “fit in” and be what everyone wants, ignoring yourself, yet they still are not happy. If you try to be yourself, they still aren’t happy. What is a person to do? I tried to think maybe it was time for me to quit worrying about others and start worrying about myself, yet no matter how hard I try I fail. I fail when it comes to caring about myself because for so many years, I never cared what happen to me. But now, things have changed a lot. I want to change, I want to be me. I NEED to be me or else I can’t go on.
For so many years I always kept telling myself that I had to be the person you see so that no one would have a problem with me. Yet for so many years, I have always been the outcast of the family. Adopted when I was young by my grandparents, disliked by my step-brother and despised by my step-sister. Others in the family just “put up with me” to get along a little. Yet I could always tell the true feelings by the way they acted and talked about me. Some of this has changed now, my step-brother seems to understand and accept me more now, which I really want to thank him from the bottom of my heart. Wolf is another person I want to thank from the bottom of my heart for always being there when I need someone to talk to. If it wasn’t for them, my half-brother Steven and all my friends in Second Life, I would most likely be either dead or locked up in a mental institution somewhere.
I am now about to embark on the journey to be myself and while this will most likely embarrass some in the family or upset others, I can no longer allow myself to spiral further into this black hole of my existence. I must be myself for the first time in my life, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise as my mind is set. Cause the choices left, are either to do this or end my life. I think if you really cared you would know that this is the right choice.