I apologize for not posting anything for so long, my reasons are my own but yes I apologize.
Things have been moving in a great direction for me personally, slowly but surely. I have been in contact with Department of Vocational Rehabilitation to try and help me work through a few of my problems and get me into a job I can handle. This is a big step toward my dreams and a big check mark on my list of goals. This is something I have always wanted to do but couldn't do for so many reasons.
There are a few more areas of my anxiety and depression that I am also working very hard on improving. I sit here and can't help but think of things that had happened in the past and that I should forget but can't seem to. Plus wanting a relationship, not really sex, so bad that it depresses me. I still have a few issues with my self-esteem and my self image because I still feel worthless, useless and all around a failure. I also feel that I am still ugly and that no one would want someone as ugly as me. I am getting better with that but its not going very fast.
Everyone tells me that I look fine and everything but I still see all the flaws. I try to look past them but sometimes when I am depressed, it still happens. I am on the maximum dosage of my anti-depressant so I hope it will help me some. My cholesterol was really high when I was at my doctors last time, so I need to work on my weight and my cholesterol. I have gained so much weight in such a short time and it now depresses me too.
Enough about depression, it can be depressing lol
On the fun side of things, my social anxiety is getting a lot better. I can be in a somewhat crowded (like 10 people or less) place and not have a panic attack or break down in fear. So that is a really big check mark on my goals and I just need to keep going forward on that.
I think that is all for now but I am sure I will think of more later and will write another post.
This is just a quick update to mention that I have finally collected a bit more information on my personality research that I have been doing for fun and decided it was time for me to at least paste a little bit of the info on my personality page for now. Once I finish writing my own information, in my own words, I will post my version.
I also wanted to mention that my blogroll section is still being worked on and will take a while to finish. I will be linking to a lot more blogs.
Sometimes it is just the simplest of things that can brighten up your day and ultimately your life.
Friday was a day like that for me.
It was just a day of us running errands and riding around laughing and having fun. We stopped in at several places, picked up a few things and moved on to the next thing that piqued our interest. We had stopped at Pizza Hut buffet to grab the buffet lunch and just the simple thing of going to the restroom and no one saying a word about it that made me happy. Then later on we had stopped by Fred Meyer to pick up a couple things for my car like those little blind spot mirrors and stuff. Yet again, I had to use the restroom so off I went, there was a line and I was thinking “OMG, this is going to suck.” But nothing happened and no one said a word or had an issue so I was so happy.
It is moments like that and the majority of the moments in my life now that I just feel like it is all moving in the right direction and it is not really a constant thought on my mind. It seems like now I am just living my life and not worrying about the whole transition thing. Everything just feels so right and normal, which it should. This is what living my life should have been a long time ago, everything feeling right. Can’t go back, thank goodness for now, and hope for this feeling the rest of my life.
Now that transition isn’t the main thing on my mind and not a constant thought, I have decided to start thinking and planning for my future. I am trying to find a job that can work with my current disabilities so I can stop being dependent on my family for support. I want to be able to say that I can support myself at least in some fashion.
I now have a vehicle of my own that I actually own and don’t owe anyone anything for it. It’s a 1996 Geo Prism 4 door small car but at least I own it and it’s paid for. So this is but one step in the direction I want to go. The next piece of my puzzle is the job. I plan on getting in touch with Department of Vocational Rehabilitation to see if they can help me find a job.
Once I can get a good job and start supporting myself in some part on my own, I will start working from there on living my life and stop looking back and thinking of how much of a failure I am/have been. I have to get over this feeling sorry for myself and start living life.
I feel like I am a teenager just starting out their life which is pretty much true seeing as how I have never done anything at all except take care of my grandparents my entire life. Sheltered and protected from life so I was never allowed to live it. But now I am away from them and free to do what I want, when I want.
My life really starts now.
I meant to write about this a couple of days after it happened but I hadn’t felt like doing much. I spent Mother’s Day in the I.C.U. at Swedish Hospital due to my potassium levels shooting up sky-high. Everyone was so nice and caring, with no issues at all. So it seems like my doctor made a huge mistake when prescribing me an antibiotic for my toe (long story) that had the side effect of raising my potassium levels. So the combination of the antibiotic and my Propranolol & Spironolactone (which both increase potassium levels too) my potassium levels were sky-high. They kept giving me this stuff to drink that would get the potassium out of my blood but didn’t take a very long time.
After spending the night in the I.C.U. just so they could make sure my kidneys or heart didn’t stop, they let me go the next day. My dad and step-mom stopped by right when they were telling me that I was going to be released. I was also in for a big surprise, my brother and his wife decided to stop by and check on me too. This really shocked me as I didn’t think he would do that. I thought he hated me or whatever, but never thought he would show up. But he did and I was really happy and surprised. It has been almost a week since this happened and I am still really weak and tired but doing much better.
